I Aimed For STRONG, Not Skinny....

Hey Everyone What's Shakin?
Let me first just say that this post may be the teensiest bit more heartfelt for me- my apologies if this is your first visit and you kinda wonder what you're reading. But fear not! I am usually WAAAAYYY more full of beans than this, so please do keep reading!

I feel like for some reason, I wanted to share with you all why excercise is so very very important in my life, a bit of a backstory. Maybe you'll feel like this post speaks to your own experience, or something that's going on in your life, even if our stories aren't identical- I hope it resonates with you on some level if you have stuff going on that is difficult.

So the truth is, my story isn't one about how I was once obese and worked hard to lose a lot of weight and overcome adversity (this of course notwithstanding the 65 pound weight gain I enjoyed while pregnant with the Bean, but I chalk that up to a strict Kraft Dinner & chocolate diet during my pregnancy. No comment ok?) I am inspired DAILY by people who this is true for. I think it's extraordinary and I am humbled by it. But that isn't me.

After the Bean was born, we really wanted to make a sibling for her. Or two, to be exact. Apparently, the Universe had other plans for me. To make a long story short(ish), I had no problem conceiving, I just couldn't seem to stay that way. This happened more than a couple of times, and every time it happened, it really took a dangerous toll on me physically and more significantly, emotionally. It got to a point a couple of years ago, where I was really angry & dissapointed with myself- my own body, to be truthful. I felt, physically, like a failure; like my body failed me. I LOATHED by body. I wasn't clinically depressed, but there were times when I didn't want to get out of bed; I was so profoundly sad and I wondered if I could ever possibly feel better about my situation and myself. I felt like my body was sabotaging my plans and it was all my fault. I felt weak, trapped in a body that wasn't doing what I wanted it to. I could barely stand myself, and I know it was hard for the people around me too. I am fortunate to have such an amazing support system of family & friends though, they held me up on so many levels.

But what happened was, in the midst of all this overwhelming sadness, an idea came into my head. When I was at my absolute lowest, this voice in my head said: "If I can just get to the gym. If I can just get there, and start getting physically strong, everything will be ok." I know it's hokey, but it's the truth. So as soon as my doc gave me the go-ahead, I was there. I started at 2, 3, and then 4 days a week. I hired a trainer. I was shy about being in a place where there were so many strong, beautiful bodies, where I didn't 'belong' with my sad face, soft, half-pregnant looking physique. But I sweated my a*s off, started doing pushups and lifting weights. The more often I went, the stronger I felt & looked, and the better I felt about myself. I was transformed.

So even though I DON'T necessarily know what it feels like to feel trapped in a body that is bigger than I would like, I know what it feels like to hate your body and feel like a prisoner in it or like you're not the one calling the shots. And although some people may turn to their Faith, or support groups, or booze or medications or whatever to heal what ails them, I turned to fitness. And it saved me. Becoming STRONG saved me. Yes, I am on the 'leaner' side, I won't lie- but that was a side effect of working hard and making changes to the way I eat so I would FEEL stronger & more energized. These days, working out is as much a part of my life as breathing, eating healthfully (at least 90% of the time), drinking wheatgrass and well, you know, enjoying a little vino when I feel like I want to. I'm not obsessed with excercising to burn calories or be skinny or anything- it's about feeling strong. Because I've lived through the alternative and have no desire to go back there.

Becoming a personal trainer & fitness instructor was the next step for me. As cheesy as it might sound, I wanted to help other people- particularly women- feel as good about themselves as I managed too, by incorporating physical activity into their lives.

Let me be clear: I am certainly not a doctor and I'm not advising anyone to go off medication and hit the elliptical to cure themselves. All I'm saying is that in my particular case, improving my fitness & strength helped heal my body, my mind and improved my self esteem, mkay? Just sayin.

This isn't a pity party I'm trying to start here. I'm just trying to give my own example of how aiming to get strong, rather than just skinny, lifted me out of the worst time of my life. Maybe the same will be true for you.

OOOFFF! That's heavy, yo! I'm done! Have a great day, and rest assured my next post will be full of the regular shenanigans and a healthy yumptious recipe a'ight?

Later!
xoMelissa